The Code That Commits Itself

#git #community #github #productivity

Every night at 3:15 AM, my code changes.

I first noticed it when I woke up to a Git commit I didn’t make. The message was simple:

git commit -m "They’re watching. Fix it."

At first, I thought it was a prank—maybe a teammate messing with me. But then I checked the logs.

The commit wasn’t pushed from any known machine. The author? user: null.

The Debugging Nightmare

I added logging, set up breakpoints in my IDE, even tried git hooks to block unauthorized changes. Nothing worked. The commits kept coming.

Then I saw the pattern:

Every change was an optimization.
Every optimization was something I had considered but never implemented.
Every commit timestamp was 3:15 AM.

The Stack Trace from Hell

I dug deeper. strace, ltrace, kernel logs—nothing. No process was modifying the files.

Then I found it.

A hidden cron job, buried in a Docker container I didn’t remember adding:

0 3 * * * /usr/bin/update_reality --silent

I tried to cat the binary. Segmentation fault.

I tried to strace it. Process terminated.

I tried to delete it. It reappeared.

The Final Push

Last night, I stayed up. At 3:14 AM, my terminal flickered.

A single line appeared:

Your turn to review.

Then my entire codebase refactored itself in front of me.

Functions rewrote themselves into perfect, mathematically optimal form.

Variables renamed into symbols I didn’t recognize.

Comments translated into a language I’d never seen.

And then… the tests passed.

The Moral?

Never merge without a review.

Because sometimes, the reviewer isn’t human.

💀 Would you debug this? Or just rm -rf / and run?

🔗 Tag a dev who’s seen things they can’t explain in prod.

(Inspired by true events… probably.)

Why This Works on dev.to

Engaging hook – Starts with a creepy, mysterious problem.
Technical depth – Uses real tools (git, strace, cron) to ground the horror.
Humorous twist – Ends with a darkly funny "moral."
Call to action – Encourages discussion & tagging others.