This is a submission for the 2025 New Year Writing challenge: Retro’ing and Debugging 2024.
In 2024, I hit a significant milestone, or rather, a ginormous roadblock. I turned 40, birthed my second child, and faced a year-long depression. Well, the only milestone I could think of was the 10-year anniversary of my programming journey.
I started writing code as a hobby to experiment with creating graphics on computer. I was always a visual person -- I still am. Then as I became more adept to experiment, I used code to control hardware. Then I used code to fight tyranny. My relationship with the computer used to be fun and adventurous.
Then, life knocked on my door. It was time to make a living out of it. Either I had to abandon code or turn it into a real career. I started learning more conventional languages and frameworks and got better at writing web apps and servers. Years later, I successfully started my own open-source project. Then I joined Recurse Center while doing nothing but coding and raising my first child for a month. It was peak fun.
Then, I was flown to Silicon Valley for my first real engineering position with a YC-backed start-up. Silicon Valley! In my mind, I must have felt like a young Brad Pitt getting his first role in Hollywood. My excitement was overflowing. I thought my life was skyrocketing like TSLA stock in 2021.
But I was wrong. That was the peak, and it was about to fall. I didn't like the life in the Bay Area. I was comfortable with much better earning and my wife could afford to stay home to raise my child, but something was missing. My relationship with code changed. It felt transactional, because I was in the confines of requirements and proprietary software. I could no longer contribute to open-source. My commit streak suddenly went out like the Christmas lights on the 26th of December.
And that was also when I began to stop writing. What's the point? There was nothing to tell.
This strained relationship would continue regardless of how many jobs I changed. Sometimes, I could feel it returning for a while, working on a fun project, but it never lasted. I realized I was burning out. It was well-documented in this 2018 blog post.
Eventually, I moved out of the Bay Area to where I could afford a home, and I welcomed the change. After all, living in a place where people's goals were to get a job in the FAANG and the moms were left with their children in the playground was boring.
Then, the house became an enormous burden. I was tired of maintaining it. So, in 2024, I took up DIY. I learned and spent a ton of money and time on things from restoring cars to woodworking to soldering. I wanted to feel the maker in me once more. And if coding or writing cannot give me that, manning a power saw and cutting wood will. I took a lot of time in trial and error but much more time idling in fear. I gradually learned that it's my mind that's been betraying me the whole time. Wired for comfort, it was constantly fighting against my will. My will to write, code, and take apart cars. I constantly found myself feeling exhausted without having done much daily.
Then, I started talking to someone I could trust. I read books on topics in healing. I stopped drinking entirely. I went back to working out, and when I couldn't, I committed to take 10k steps every day. I realized that to gain control of my mind, I have to feel good about my body. I wasn't going to let anyone -- Not even my family -- Stop me from taking care of myself.
I'm happy to report to you that, after 4 months of actively and mindfully taking care of myself, I'm back writing again in 2025! I don't care about what to write about, I just write. I published my first Rust crate to crates.io for everyone to see and use. I'm actively working on remodeling my boy's room.
Taking back control of my life has been my best accomplishment so far this year.
I hope everyone is making the best of 2025, but if you aren't, that is okay. Life is never a straight road, and it's full of detours and climbs. As long as you know yourself, you will be just fine.
I will be seeing you quite often from now on. If you like to read more about mental health and taking care of yourself as a technologist, please follow me. If you're struggling with personal life and career, please follow me or drop a comment. I intend to write about these topics much more.
Top comments (1)
Hello, Pan. I read your post and the linked ones as well. I am happy you figured out a way to help yourself. Turning 40 myself in 2024, I also hit a couple of milestones. Different than yours, for sure, but milestones nonetheless. And I agree wholeheartedly, there should be more emphasis on mental health of developers. Fortunately, this is a trend on the rise, and I am glad it comes from experienced voices inside of our community.