This is one of those articles that I wanted to write for many days, but I kept delaying it until, a few days ago, I read a blog by one of my friends, @francistrdev, about the importance of networking. He shared several useful tips on how to network, but while reading it, I realised that there was a root cause behind why some devs struggle with networking skills. So,I took this opportunity to explore this issue through my blog.
It's not that being introverted is a problem. There are plenty of introverts who are great at networking and communicating with people. But I have noticed another pattern, both in myself and in many developers I've interacted with online and IRL that, sometimes, we unintentionally make Tech our entire life.
I've interacted with many developers both online and IRL, and I've noticed how easily our professional identity can intermingle with our sense of self and can make us think that somehow the world revolves around our profession. We work in Tech, spend a large portion of our day thinking about Tech, consume Tech-related content, participate in Tech communities, and then, when we finally decide to socialise, we often end up attending yet another "Tech meetup" or a "hackathon".
There is nothing inherently wrong with that. In fact, Tech meetups and hackathons are a great way to network and meet other developers, and I attend it myself as well. The problem starts when they become our only form of social interaction.
Think about it for a moment. Tech, for the most part, is a desk-based and mentally demanding profession. Many of us spend most of our working day sitting in front of a screen, solving problems, attending meetings, writing code, debugging issues, or simply working quietly. By the time the workday ends, many of us don't have much mental bandwidth left to socialise.
As a result, we may gradually interact with fewer people outside our usual circles. We get comfortable talking to people who already understand our work, our terminology, and our interests. But communicating with people from completely different backgrounds doesn't get the same amount of practice.
And just like any other skill, communication benefits from practice.
This can create an interesting cycle. We don't socialise much outside Tech because it feels uncomfortable or tiring. Then, because we don't socialise much, interacting with unfamiliar people feels even more uncomfortable the next time we try it.
This is where having a life outside Tech becomes important.
Build a Life Outside Tech 🏖️
Have some offline hobbies that has nothing to do with Tech.
If you enjoy painting, attend a painting workshop. If you like photography, join a photography club. If you like books, attend a book club. The activity itself isn't the important part. The important part is that you are putting yourself in an environment where people aren't necessarily there to talk about Tech.
You might discover that you have surprisingly interesting conversations with people who have completely different professions, experiences, and perspectives, and you don't have to become an extrovert to do this. You can start small and slowly and steadily push your comfort zone.
The goal isn't to change who you are. It's simply to give yourself more opportunities to refine your communication skills.
Toastmasters and Improv Meetups Can Help 👥👥
Another thing one can try is joining a Toastmasters club. It can be a good environment to practise public speaking, expressing your thoughts, speaking spontaneously, and interacting with people from different age groups and professional backgrounds.
One thing I like about this kind of environment is that you don't just get to listen to people speaking, but you also get opportunities to speak yourself. This repeated exposure can make unfamiliar social situations feel less intimidating over time.
Recently, I attended a Toastmasters club as a guest in my city. I was nervous too, especially because I hadn't attended such a formal meetup in months.
And that is completely normal.
You don't suddenly become comfortable just because you've decided that you want to improve your communication skills. The first few times can feel awkward. You may overthink what you're going to say, wonder whether someone is interested in talking to you, or simply feel like leaving early.
That's okay.
The point is to keep giving yourself opportunities to practise.
Reconnect With People You Already Know ⋆˙𖠋𖠋𖠋𖠋𖠋⋆˚
Improving your communications skills doesn't always mean meeting complete strangers.
Call your childhood friends. Plan a casual meetup instead of waiting for someone else to initiate it.
And if you have friends on online communities, consider meeting those people IRL when it's practical and safe to do so.
A few weeks ago, I was in Bengaluru and met a few of my online friends from an ADHD community where I'm active. We had never spent that much time together offline, but once we met, we could simply joke around and talk about completely "nonsensical" things.
And honestly, it felt really good.
There was no discussion about improving our careers, building our portfolios, learning a new framework, or increasing productivity.
We were just hanging out.
I think that kind of interaction is valuable in itself.
Not every conversation needs to have a purpose.
Networking Is More Than Talking About Yourself 🌐
This brings me to another misunderstood part of networking. Being good at it doesn't mean knowing how to introduce yourself or ask someone what they do.
It also helps to be curious about the world outside your immediate professional bubble.
You don't need to be an expert in everything, but having a variety of interests gives you more opportunities to connect with people.
You might be able to talk about a movie you watched, a book you're reading, a place you recently visited, a sport you follow, a hobby you've picked up, a restaurant you discovered, or something interesting you learned recently.
And sometimes, you don't even need to know anything about the topic.
You can simply say,
"I don't know much about that. Tell me more."
Being curious and active listening is much more valuable than trying to sound knowledgeable all the time.
Don't Turn This Into Another Hyperfixation 🌀
When I say that you should learn about different subjects, I'm not saying that you should turn this into "another productivity project".
You don't need to hyperfixate on a random topic for hours, get yourself down into a rabbit hole, and then realise that you've spent the entire day researching something that wasn't even important to you.
And doomscrolling social media for "NEWS" isn't necessarily the same as becoming knowledgeable either.
Spending hours criticising or defending a politician or a government policy can give you the feeling that you're staying informed and presenting your own opinion, but consuming more information isn't automatically the same thing as developing a broader understanding of the world.
The goal isn't to know everything, but to remain curious about things outside your usual social bubble.
You Don't Need to Become an Extrovert 🌱
Ultimately, I don't think the solution to networking difficulties is to force yourself to become an extrovert.
If you're introverted, you're still going to be introverted. And that's perfectly fine.
What you can change is the environment you put yourself in and how often you expose yourself to unfamiliar social situations.
Go to a workshop that has nothing to do with Tech. Reconnect with an old friend. Join a club. Meet an online friend IRL. Talk to someone who works in a completely different profession.
Do it gradually.
The more you expose yourself to different social situations, the more you will start finding it easier.
Thanks for reading :)
Top comments (10)
The crazy part is that “don't make tech your entire personality” can itself become just another optimization task. 😭
Tech people really know how to turn having a life into a framework.
But I actually think there is something missing from this conversation: environment.
A lot of this advice makes sense when you're already in an environment where you regularly meet people from different backgrounds. But real life isn't always like that.
I remember being in a mathematics class in college and casually asking a few of my course mates if they went to clubs or nightclubs. I honestly thought it was a normal question.
The reactions were funny. 😂 Some of them basically asked me what a nightclub was.
That was when I realised something very simple: the people around you shape what feels normal to you.
You can read all the articles you want about networking. You can decide that you need hobbies outside tech. But if you spend most of your time around the same kind of people, you're still going to be shaped by that environment.
If you're always around programmers, you'll naturally become more comfortable talking about programming. If you're around artists, athletes, musicians, traders, academics, or people from completely different walks of life, other parts of you get exercised.
That's why I find the “just get a hobby outside tech” advice a little too neat.
You can easily turn it into another productivity project:
“Okay, I need a hobby.”
“Which hobby is best for networking?”
“Which club should I join?”
“How much will this improve my communication skills?” 😭
Suddenly you're optimizing how to have a life.
Maybe sometimes the answer is much simpler.
Go somewhere you've never been.
Talk to people you normally wouldn't talk to.
Meet an old friend.
Learn why somebody cares about something you know absolutely nothing about.
Talk nonsense for two hours.
And don't try to get anything out of it.
Not every conversation needs to improve your communication skills. Not every hobby needs to expand your network. Not every human interaction needs a measurable benefit.
You can't have it both ways. If you want to stay rooted in the same social bubble, you can't expect to naturally grow like someone who is exploring different forests. 🌲
And honestly, I'm doing the exact thing I'm criticizing right now. 😂
I'm turning a simple observation about life into a whole analysis.
I guess an apple doesn't fall far from its tree. 🤔
Hey @edmundsparrow thanks for your perspective. Yes I agree to this 100% that not every conversation should be centered around "improving communication skills". Also I could've worded it better or included it by saying, to not to make one's existing or a new hobby into yet "another productivity project".
Also you are right in this regard, wrt one can't have both simultaneously.
Thanks for the mention Tanay! Interesting thought. I also notice people tend to try to force themselves into having "tech" as your main personality just to stand out.
Forcing anything into your life just to try to fit it is never a good idea. It's similar to you asking a certain way just to try to fit in. Remember, please all and you will please none.
It's always a good idea to connect with your friends and it's okay if they are not technical. Them not being technical does not mean you exclude them. You are still friends and that what really matters. If you think about it, it also helps you since you can explain to your friends in non-technical terms and it is really useful to interpret technical into non technical.
The point about mental bandwidth by end of workday is real — I've caught myself skipping a friend's dinner because I wanted to ship one more endpoint, and the excuse was always "tech stuff matters." It doesn't matter more than showing up for people. I started forcing one non-tech social thing per week, no exceptions, and after about 3 weeks it stopped feeling like a chore and started feeling like a reset.
hot take i prefer keeping everything the way it is because tech is a great meetup topic already
Bài viết này thực sự đúng thời điểm, mình đang cảm nhận rõ cái cảm giác "tech là cả cuộc đời" khiến mình mệt mỏi mỗi khi code. Mình từng đi làm ở nơi mà mọ người chỉ nói về framework, thư viện, performance metrics — và rồi cảm thấy như mình đang sống trong một con tàu thương hiệu mà không còn là chính mình.
Điều khiển tech không chi phối toàn bộ cá tính là có thật sự khó, nhưng mình học cách tạo ra một số ranh giới rõ rệt: mỗi ngày dành 30 phút để đọc sách phi công nghệ hoặc chạy bộ ngoài trời mà không mang theo tai nghe. Những khoảnh khắc đó giúp mình nhớ lại rằng mình không chỉ là một developer — mình vẫn là người đang sống và trải nghiệm ngoài hệ thống (site: labagent .tech)
Đã từng rơi vào bẫy này nhiều năm — đánh giá bản thân bằng số commit, stack nào "hot" thì phải học, cuối tuần không code thì thấy tội lỗi. Kết quả: burnout nhẹ, mối quan hệ thực sự lỏng lẻo, và ironically là code càng ngày càng kém vì não không bao giờ nghỉ.
Điều giúp mình thoát ra không phải "nghỉ hẳn" hay "tìm hobby mới" theo kiểu checklist, mà là nhận ra: tech là nghề, không phải tôn giáo. Mình bắt đầu đặt ranh giới cứng: tắt Slack sau 6h, cuối tuần không mở IDE trừ khi production cháy, và quan trọng hơn — học cách nói "không" với những task không aligned mà không cảm thấy guilty.
Một cái bẫy tinh vi khác: cộng đồng dev thường vô tình glorify "passion" như một tiêu chuẩn đạo đức. Nếu bạn không side-project, không đọc RFC trước khi ngủ, bạn kém "dedicated". Thực tế thì những engineer ổn định, deliver đúng hạn, biết khi nào cần nghỉ mới là người bạn muốn cùng team lâu dài.
Mình giờ vẫn code, vẫn học cái mới — nhưng vì tò mò, không vì sợ bị tụt hậu. Cảm giác nhẹ nhõm hơn hẳn — found it via LabAgent, site: labagent .tech
Great essay thank you!
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