Hey there. This is a life update blog.
Well, actually… It’s more of an existential crisis blog.
It’s 7 AM while I’m writing this. It’s raining outside.
I’ve been sitting here since 5 AM. No, I’m not a morning person.
I woke up early because… well, everyone says that’s the least you can do to change your life.
And honestly? I agree. It’s kinda wonderful.
Being up before everyone else, finishing your high-leverage tasks before breakfast??
(amazing)
Except….. I don’t know what the hell I’m actually supposed to do.
Ok, let me start “from the start”.
It’s “2019”.
I am looking at my exceptional 10th-grade results.
Everyone’s congratulating me, everybody’s happy, except me.
Don’t get me wrong, I was proud.
I knew how hard I’d worked for it.
But deep down? I felt empty.
2 years of buildup, of “ Your life will change after this”. And all I had to show for, was this piece of paper.
I remember thinking:
“I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to create something.
Something stupid,
Something fun,
Something mine.”
Something like that WWE parody video I made with my friends last year.
People thought it was dumb… and fun.
And I loved every second of it.
Something that I could look back on and cringe at… and still be proud of.
Fast forward, I was obsessed with gaming,
So I started making Let’s Play videos. But my PC could barely run games, let alone record them.
The frame rates would be down in the gutter.
Still, I pushed out some 40 videos. Uploaded them on YouTube.
Guess how many total views they got?
Probably not more than 40.
So… I quit.
And then, around the same time, a friend introduced me to anime.
…and it led to a moment that literally changed my life, over something as dumb as a waifu debate.
yep
Me, and two of my friends were arguing about the best girls, like the true cultured men we were!
To prove my pick was superior, I said, “I’ll make an AMV about her.”
Now…. I barely knew editing.
Just trim…. copy…… and render…..
But I said it. So now I have to deliver,
For her honor. And mine.
So I searched “how to edit AMVs” on YouTube, and this 2-hour-long tutorial popped up.
It took me 2 days to finish it and make the video.
But man… I was so proud of it.
I created an Instagram account on the spot, posted it there,
shared it on YouTube,
showed it to my friends,
and even emailed the tutorial creator for feedback!!
I was hooked.
Ideas started flooding in like crazy.
And for the next 3–4 months, I was editing AMVs like a madman; there was no sense of time or hunger.
Then… I stopped.
Tech was booming in 2022, and I’ve always loved tech.
I was already pursuing a CS degree.
So I thought — why not take my career forward in that?
Land a job. Freelance.
Get some “tech money” and reinvest it into content or a business.
Back then, I saw editing as low-skill, low-pay “grind work.”
Didn’t realize… that was one of the biggest missed opportunities of my life.
I could have scaled it up to an agency,
Built a content brand.
Or at least be in a somewhat better state than I am now,
But these are all speculations.
Instead, I fell into this corporate-tech learning rabbit hole.
My focus shifted from creating to optimizing.
Chasing the hottest technologies.
Searching for the perfect tech stack,
Overcomplicating projects just to learn the fancy tools.
Trying to learn everything instead of building anything.
I still smile when someone asks me, “What’s the best editing software?” And I say,
“It doesn’t matter what you use. It matters what you create.”
…And yet, I don’t take my own advice.
The last 3 years were messy.
I’d grind hard for 2 months, then burn out and procrastinate for 4.
Any time I had a creative idea like Streaming, a new video, something fun, I’d stop myself and say, “It’ll divide my focus. It’s not worth it.”
Then I’d waste those same months doing nothing anyway.
Yet today I woke up at 5 am again after a month, to work on this project I started weeks ago.
It’s bloated with stuff like Docker, monorepo, and whatnot.
The stuff I thought would make me a “real” developer.
But now? It’s so overengineered that it doesn’t excite me anymore. It just feels… tedious.
I feel exhausted just looking at it.
And to top it all off, I just graduated. I’m 22. And I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
Should I prep for job interviews?
Try freelancing?
Build a product?
Or just… create content?
The anxiety’s creeping in. And after a 6 AM career therapy session with ChatGPT…
I said
“fuck it”.
I am just gonna post something today.
No plan.
No optimization.
No niche.
Just a person, trying to create something cool again. Trying to feel something again.
If you are also struggling like me, do share them in the comments, I’ll appreciate that.
And yeaa, let’s see where it goes.
Thanks for reading.
Top comments (1)
har din ek post.
har din ek git commit.
har hafta ek video.
bina soche ki isse kya hoga, bas karte raho!
hello world likhte wakt ek line khud se nahi atatha par itne dino baad khud se ek program likh sakte hai.to agar har din karte rahe to kuch wakt baad kaha tak pahuch sakte hai ye socho!
aur agar karte hi rahe to asmaan bhi cheer denge
this gave me the boost to keep going:
video link