Technical Difficulties
Day 13 and I couldn't do my leetcode problem. But before you think the streak broke again , there was actually something wrong with leetcode itself. Couldn't login at all, so genuinely not my fault this time.
It's weird how much you start caring about these streaks even when you tell yourself the number doesn't matter. When you can't do something because of technical issues, it feels different than just not doing it.
The Hate Workout
Did scikit learn work again. Hit the workout obviously. The workout is the only place where I can actually use all this hate productively. Channel it into something that at least makes my body stronger even if everything else feels like it's falling apart.
I wonder sometimes if that's healthy or if I'm just finding a socially acceptable way to self-destruct. Probably doesn't matter as long as it keeps me moving.
The Isolation Thing
Been thinking self hate might get the better of me this time. Maybe this isolation is gonna last longer than previous phases because people are genuinely draining me now.
It's not even that they're bad people. They're just... exhausting. Every interaction feels like it takes something from me that I don't have to give. So I pull back, and then I'm alone, and then the self-hate gets louder because there's nothing to distract from it.
I didn't want it to be like this. But whatever, I'll just work through it. Code doesn't drain you the same way people do. Problems have solutions. Equations don't expect emotional labor.
Fuck Off My Head
Some days you can quiet the thoughts with work. Some days they're just louder than everything else and you're trying to function anyway.
Today was the latter.
Day 13 done. Scikit learn progress made. Head still loud. Work continues regardless.
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