Introduction
This article serves not only as a guideline where I share my experience, but also as a personal reminder, a note to myself to stay true to how I'm supposed to do my job properly at all times as a Principal Engineer, responsible not only for producing quality software, but also for supporting other developers and more.
Just to be clear, this article isn’t specifically about my role, rather it’s about the management role in general.
Let’s skip the usual boring introduction about how management is one of the most important roles in business, sports, or anywhere else — that’s basic stuff, and everyone should already know it. If you’re a manager and you don’t agree, I suggest taking a moment to seriously reflect on your career.
Instead Let's Dive Straight Into the Topic
Becoming a Senior Software Engineer
I became a Senior Software Engineer at 24 — and boy, did I feel the shift in responsibility. I had always wanted to reach that level (who doesn’t, right?), and at first, it was exciting. But it didn’t take long for me to realize I had to seriously up my game. It wasn’t about the technical side, I was solid there. It was everything else that caught me off guard. Even though I wasn’t officially a manager, I started to see just how comfortable I’d been up until that point. It was time to step out of that comfort zone... it was time to break the shell and hatch.
Becoming a Principal Software Engineer
At 27, I stepped into the role of Principal Software Engineer and it was an entirely new ball game. While technical excellence was expected and non-negotiable at that level, the real challenge, the one that kept me awake through countless nights of reading books and watching videos, was mastering leadership. I soon realized that no matter how much material you absorb, you can't truly lead unless leadership becomes part of who you are. You can’t just flip through your notes, pull up a book, or ask Google or ChatGPT in a critical moment because the scenarios you’ll face are practically infinite. And when I say “infinite,” I don’t mean it figuratively, I mean literally-literally.
What's the Best Way to Embed Leadership in Your internal System?
The best way to become a good leader is to simply sit down and reflect on your career. Think about the moments you regret, the moments you’re proud of, and the times you felt you could’ve done better. Then really let those experiences sink in. You can search the internet for all the knowledge you want, but there’s one source that’s incredibly underrated, and most people don’t even realize how valuable it is, even though it’s right inside your head, literally. I’m talking about your brain, which holds a vast world of unprocessed information just waiting to be digested. Yet, we often overlook it because we assume the internet will give us all the answers.
By reflecting on both your mistakes and achievements, you can unlock new abilities—and the best part is that these lessons become embedded in your mind, even in your muscle memory. This is how your personality is shaped and strengthened over time.
Things get even tougher when you’re purely a people manager. In this role, many careers literally rest in your hands, so you need to be especially thoughtful and careful with every decision you make.
The 20 Qualities
Let’s explore the 20 qualities a manager should have and those they shouldn’t along with important considerations to keep in mind. This is based on my experience and research so far.
Keep in mind that this list is far from being definitive.
1. Don’t Boss Anyone
As a leader, you’re there to serve, not to boss people around. Even as a Principal Engineer myself (not even a team lead), I spend most of my day supporting teammates to help them do their jobs. As a manager, your role is to create a framework where your team can perform at their best and feel good doing it. While circumstances may sometimes limit what you can change, you should always try your hardest to ensure your team feels valued and supported. True leadership isn’t about being in charge, it’s about caring for those in your charge. Never take it for granted.
2. Be a Role Model
Everyone looks up to you. You need to be someone who inspires respect, fairness, accountability, honesty, and reliability. Even on a bad day, your behavior should remain professional and steady in front of your team. Remember, your teammates are the ones building the products you oversee, so setting a strong example is crucial to encouraging their professionalism.
3. Don’t Be a Conformist
As a manager, it’s your job to think outside the box. Question ideas thoughtfully and be ready to challenge the status quo, because no one is perfect. That’s why teams exist: everyone makes mistakes, and it takes collaboration to get back on track.
4. Listen to Your Teammates
Even if you’re confident in your ideas, always listen to others whether they’re senior or junior. Everyone can and should contribute to the team’s success. When someone challenges your ideas, it’s not about proving a point or competing; it’s about caring for the team and striving for the best outcome.
5. Be Fair No Matter What
I can’t stress this enough: fairness is the most critical trait a manager must have. Always evaluate team members based on their professionalism and contributions not personal feelings, which often mislead.
If you don't get along with someone without them doing anything wrong - that's YOUR PROBLEM to fix in your head, so start fixing it without affecting anything in your team.
The same principle applies when recruiting. Never hire someone based on how you feel about them; instead, conduct a thorough interview process to determine if they’re truly the right fit. And give a chance to everyone who deserves to be in your team.
6. Think Before You Say "It’s Not Under My Control"
People often use this phrase for things that are actually within their control, more often than they realize. Before saying it, pause and ask yourself if you’re just avoiding responsibility. If there’s even the smallest action you can take, then it’s within your control. Step up and take it.
7. Don’t Demand Attention or the Spotlight—Earn Trust
You don’t need to be the center of attention. As a manager, you’re a team member who supports others and can be relied on in any situation. Trust is earned through consistency and genuine support—not by demanding the spotlight.
8. Stay Calm. Never Let Your Nerves Take Over
As a manager, maintaining a cool head is essential—without exception. Avoid using improper language; it only makes you appear unprofessional and unwilling to express yourself thoughtfully.
This is especially true when things go wrong. Panic undermines your decision-making and damages your credibility as a leader. If you can master your emotions and nerves, you can handle almost any challenge.
9. Don’t Wait for Validation
Even if you singlehandedly solve the biggest problem in your organization, don’t brag or expect applause from your team. They should understand that you see it as part of your job and that, no matter the situation, you’ll do the same without expecting any reward or recognition. Though you should always try to recognize achievements of your teammates.
10. Admit When You Make a Mistake
As a role model for your team, don’t be afraid to own up to your mistakes. When you admit them openly, it helps others relate to you and realize that, despite imperfections, they too can be effective leaders.
11. Elevate Others Without Making It About Yourself
When you willingly help someone succeed, let them feel like they did it completely on their own. Don't expect anything in return. There’s no need to highlight your contribution—they’ll know it without you saying a word. When discussing your team’s achievements with others, always use “we” and “us,” because without your team, you wouldn’t be where you are.
12. Leadership Isn’t Loud
Leadership is often a quiet role. It involves observing, reflecting, identifying issues, and solving them seamlessly—without making a fuss. That said, clear and precise communication is essential whenever something needs to be shared openly.
13. Be Decisive but Careful
Being decisive is important, but it doesn’t mean rushing through critical decisions. Take the time to thoughtfully consider choices that can impact projects, teams, careers, or motivation.
14. There’s No Such Thing as “One Size Fits All”
To lead effectively, you need to understand not just each role on your team but also each individual’s unique personality. If you want to know how many personalities there are, just count the number of people. For example, you can’t communicate with a developer the same way you do with a project manager—developers tend to think and analyze differently. Don’t expect everyone to be as extroverted or open as you might be, because some people simply aren’t wired that way. I’ve spent countless sleepless nights working on this myself—being an introvert by nature, I developed what I call an “extrovert button” that I activate when needed.
15. You Don’t Need to Be Extroverted to Be a Good Leader
From my experience, and supported by statistics, introverts can often be even better leaders because of their strong ability to reflect deeply. Some might argue that introverts lack charisma, but I strongly disagree. There are countless examples of introverted individuals with commanding charisma—whether in business, sports, Hollywood, or anywhere else.
16. Speak with Confidence and a Calm, Clear Tone
Don’t rush your words as if you’re in a speaking sprint. Relax, you have time. Draw out each word fully, avoid mumbling, trailing off, or skipping parts. Speak with clarity, intention, and completeness to ensure your message is understood and delivered.
If you have to speak in English, which isn’t your first language (like mine, English is actually my 2nd language), or any other language you’re not native in, try to make it as perfect as possible. Pick one accent (American, British, Australian, it doesn’t matter) and work on perfecting it as much as you can (not only speaking, but also writing). Mastering languages is a never-ending process. The better you know the language, the better communicator you are.
Also, if you have international coworkers around, even if there’s just one who doesn’t understand your language, use the international language - English. Remember, no language is superior to another, and no one is obligated to know any language beyond their native language and, where necessary, an international language for communication.
17. Be Disciplined and Consistent
You can’t expect others to be disciplined and consistent unless those traits are your own foundation. There are no bad days, no day-offs, no lunch breaks for being professional, fair, responsible, and accountable. Talent is useless where discipline is nonexistent.
18. Work on Your Technical Skills
Even if you’re not in a technical role, it’s important to understand how software engineering works at a high level. Without this knowledge, it’s hard to truly connect with and support your technical team members, like software engineers or automated testers.
Just as software engineers need to learn domain-specific details, non-technical managers should also understand a thing or two about engineering. It’s essential for effective collaboration and decision-making.
19. Be Friendly and Respectful
You don’t have to be friends with someone to be friendly, that’s an important distinction. Not everyone can be friends, but anyone can be friendly and respectful to anyone. As a leader, it’s your responsibility to treat everyone with respect and encourage your team to do the same—not only with each other but also with others across the organization.
20. Never Stop Learning and Don’t Take Your Position for Granted
Becoming a good leader is a lifelong journey—you never stop learning. Always stay humble, stay curious, and never assume your position is guaranteed. Growth and improvement are continuous.
Summary
This list is far from complete. But as I mentioned in the last point, leadership is a continuous learning journey, so this list will keep growing with new insights over time.
“The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; kind, but not weak; bold, but not a bully; thoughtful, but not lazy; humble, but not timid; proud, but not arrogant; humorous, but without folly.”
— Jim Rohn
Top comments (15)
This is such a solid list - not just for managers, but for anyone navigating professional relationships in general!
Software is actually my second career. Long before diving into code, I was a restaurant training manager, which, to be honest, is exactly why you'll never catch me near a management role ever again. I dodge that with more enthusiasm than I dodge Friday deployments! 🐛
This one hit home hard. It took me forever to learn it - or maybe I finally just stopped worrying about things I couldn’t control. You never fully realize how much your emotional state affects your entire team until you see it happening firsthand. Once you’re aware, you can make meaningful adjustments.
You nailed it when you said good managers are respectful and can elevate others. I think their true value comes down to two things: fair leadership and helping others succeed. You can pretty much measure every management accomplishment by those alone.
Looking back, the best part of my management days was seeing the people I supported and promoted thrive and advance. Everything else? Exhausting, stressful, and not at all kind to introverts (yes, I’m the genius who thought customer service would be the perfect career 🙃).
Also, I'd love to add one more thing specifically for new managers or anyone considering this career path:
✨ Find a Confidant You Can Trust ✨
Seriously, you’re going to need one!
Once you step up to a certain level, you're no longer part of the team - you’re responsible for it. Balancing friendship and professionalism suddenly becomes a minefield of favoritism (yep, those casual hangouts or after-meeting chats can quickly turn complicated). So find yourself a trusted confidant at your level or higher who’s not directly involved with your team.
Believe me - I’ve spent many stressful moments locked in the restaurant freezer, venting to my boss on the phone because someone pushed me beyond my limit! 🥶❄️📞
As always, your comments are better than 90% of full posts out there, Ashley. Thank you for such amazing insights!
Staying calm in all situations can be challenging. I don't wanna brag or anything but nobody's ever seen me enraged or furious during my whole career, not because I don't have emotions, but I know it's not a proper way to work. It burns out the brain and wastes way too much energy.
Fairness is absolutely the most important trait for a leader. I've seen a quite a few occasions when leaders just made decisions based on their "feelings" and that is NEVER a good way to go — you don't wanna work with this kind of managers, EVER.
Finding a confidant can be really beneficial for one's mental health, but you need to be super careful. Sometimes when you trust someone too much, it can lead to pretty bad consequences. My philosophy is simple: never share every detail unless it's with your closest people.
Maybe you should give a try to a management role. I think you could be a great leader, considering that you like sharing experience and can engage into conversations, bringing a whole different perspective. Especially that now you're in a different type of business — software engineering is a completely different domain than restaurant training management. Think about it. I can give you some tips, I've been in ALL the possible scenarios already. 😄
Great call-out! And yes, you’re totally right - I actually went back and updated my original to ✨ Find a Confidant You Can Trust ✨ because that last part really is just as important!
Also, thanks for the encouragement, but I’m 100% happy in my “not-in-charge” zone. 😎 I get to jump in and help with the fun stuff my lead wishes they had time for, plus I love mentoring and training everyone else on the team. Bonus: There’s zero pressure, and I’m never the first name on the “wake up at 2am because something’s broken” list.
Honestly, the two weeks a year I fill in as lead is all the reminder I need - nope, I’m good! I’ll take my supportive sidekick role and a full night’s sleep, thanks.
I miss those days when I wasn't "in charge" and I'm a bit envious of you (in a good way) that you mostly get to do fun stuff.
But, from my experience, having responsibilities keeps you in shape ALL TIMES. It's stressful, sure, but it's also super-rewarding.
By the way, your "locked in the restaurant freezer" story legit sounds like a horror movie scenario. Something really bad must've happened that made you do that.
Rewarding is also true, but I've found other ways to account for that (like my intern kicking ass at his report-out last week!) 😇
As for the freezer thing: No, not really - that was the only go-to alone time I had on the 10 hour straight shifts. Me and that freezer got along great! 😆
Well, if you’re into cold weather like I am, the freezer would’ve been perfectly fine for a few minutes. 🤣 I get the same feeling when I have to work from the office now and then. Once I clock out, I head to the parking lot, sit in my car, and just unwind for a minute in silence. Then I start the engine and drive off. 😄
Great article, you chose every word really well and made every point in the list a worthy and useful insight. I often reflect on this topic and I truly appreciated your take on it. It also makes me more hopeful about mankind! Great job and thanks a lot for sharing this!
Thank you so much for such a great feedback! 🙌
After more 35 years of engineering management, the only comment I need to make is: You have arrived early my friend. You expressed most of what needs to be said, and extremely more eloquently than I could ever wish to do. Brilliant! I just wish everybody, regardless of the profession would read this slowly and thoughtfully. It would make the world a better place. Thanks for taking the time. I can't say that I enjoyed reading anything on the subject more - ever.
I really appreciate your comment! Especially from someone who's a seasoned veteran in my field. You have about 5 times more experience than me. Thank you!
16). is sooo important. Especially when there are more senior people in the team. It's about showing confidence and inspiring trust, even when we don't have all the answers.
Totally true! Being seemingly confident can make other people feel less insecure. They should feel like they have someone to rely on.
was this written by AI?
No. I don’t write articles because I have to. I actually enjoy the process. Writing with AI isn’t fun at all.
Hi @georgekobaidze, just curious. is Singular using .NET? Or Singular is more to NodeJs techstack?