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Cover image for How to make teams more productive (WDS #3)

How to make teams more productive (WDS #3)

blaketweeted profile image Blake Campbell ・2 min read

Disclaimer this is 100% satire. For fun on a Friday (Web Dev Satire #3)

Everyone wants to be more productive


Managers might try to block off time to focus on coding or keep you out of meetings. This is the worst way to have a productive team.

Here's an outline for any manager trying to squeeze some more code out of developers.


Outline


More Meetings

I'm not just talking about more meetings, though that is part of it. We want meetings with no clear goal and scattered no more than two hours apart. This ensures that developers are hyper-focused for that two-hour gap.

The less clear the meeting is, the better. Developers are natural problem solvers. Help them work out those muscles with practice. Title your sessions vaguely "Afternoon Debug" or "Productive Morning meeting."


Code fast

This is what we are after, a short, sweet code. It makes sense that we need short-sweet time to accomplish our goals. Why write tests or dig into details of the code? Developers don't make mistakes.


Switch Systems Slowly and often

Change is good as long as it's drawn out. If you're using Slack, switch to Microsoft Teams. Make sure you don't do this all at once. It should be a month or two processes where developers need to respond to messages in both at any given time.

While doing this, transfer other internal systems. Shock and awe your developers with the amount of unnecessary change.


Screen Shot 2021-06-11 at 11.21.06 AM

This is the ideal workday. You make not like it, but this is peak performance.

In case it isn't clear by now, this is satire! Happy Friday, and keep coding! :)

Discussion (1)

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andrewrgarcia profile image
Andrew Garcia

Nice. Simple code is elegant code.

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